A Before and After Story

BEFORE:


My skin is pale. I’d compare it to this:

BEFORE

It hasn’t seen sun for more than 30 minutes at a time since early October/late September. I no longer have tan lines.

I am visiting my parents who relocated to Florida, in about 4 weeks. I have freckles and I burn easily , so to go from my current state of pale to my Florida 3rd degree sunburn, is a health hazard.

My much younger and gorgeous sister in law left for Italy this week with a healthy glow from a spray tan.

She gave me the number and I made an appointment. To get SPRAYED. I wanted to try it out before I make the decision to head to Florida with some color. For the last few trips I have spent the journey home heavily medicated from severe sunburn and last year, my Mom sent me home with Tucks pads to relieve the pain.  SERIOUSLY.  She read somewhere that these used for completely OTHER purposes were great skin pain relievers. She was right.  I now own a jar of them and use them on burns, paper cuts, bug bites, scratches etc.... If you try this, just remove the label and no one will be the wiser!

I couldn’t wear any lotion or deodorant today and I am working, so logically I did wear deodorant, but I forced myself to not apply any lotion. White dry skin is slightly worse than pale moist skin.

My other equally as gorgeous sister in law is coming with me so we can potentially support each other as sister Oompa Loompa’s tomorrow if needed.

Apparently people don’t wear bathing suits while being sprayed (the receptionist SCOFFED at this question when I asked) I packed black under things that I hope will do me justice when I am standing there with a shower cap on my head looking OH SO ATTRACTIVE.

I’m praying for a hideous looking technician.  It would really ease the ego, you know?

I am so thankful spray tanners are not equal opportunity yet and a man is not spraying me. Although I bet a man would have better aim –(they like hoses and painting, right?)

Needless to say I am a little anxious. I have been practicing sucking in my stomach while at my desk all day and worrying about my under things being both supportive and concealing enough.

I’ll be back with the AFTER …….



AFTER:

While waiting in the lobby of this very nice high-end salon, my stomach sank just a little bit more as each annoyingly attractive stylist walked my way. Remember I am also sitting next to a gorgeous sister in law. The owner of the salon, who is male, looked like he had been spray tanned minutes before we walked in. His teeth and the whites of his eyes were glowing. I started to panic that this might not turn out so well for me.

Of course the spray technician rounds the corner and she is as petite and adorable as she is sweet. I had to bend my body very close to her mouth every time she spoke because she had this tiny whisper voice. I followed all of her instructions as best as I could hear them and found myself standing on paper feet in a booth with nothing but a shower cap and under things. It was a little awkward when I would misunderstand her directions and she had to maneuver my body for me. At one point while standing in an awkward position so the inside of my thighs were exposed, I thought to myself –

“Why do you torture yourself in these ways, Kristen?”

She sprayed me like she was washing a car.

Putting my clothes on over wet spray tan was a little disturbing – that and being told not to get any type of water or liquid on me whatsoever for at least eight hours. Even brushing my teeth could potentially leave a white ring around my mouth.

I sat in the waiting room for my sister in law, trying not to stare into the mirror. I stood as naturally and casually cool as I possibly could. You know, like I do this sort of thing all the time kind of stance. A really nice lady did come up to me to tell me that I looked SO MUCH BETTER, which made me ecstatically happy to hear.

When my sister in law and I discussed our experiences afterward I learned that no, she did not have to wear the shower cap and it took her longer because she stood in front of the fan to dry herself. WTH, did I miss those instructions?? ("Oh yes, I like shower caps – please let me wear it- it will make me feel so much less awkward")

I haven’t done a full body exam because I am a little streaky and am told that it will go away by tomorrow after my luke warm shower. (For the next week, luke warm showers are my rule- this is going to be pleasant at 5am in our below 20 degree weather.)

I will admit that I do have actual TAN lines. Something I have never truly had. I think I might turn into Snooki someday and do this more often. It sure beats waiting to be tan the last week of August when my sunburn finally turns to some actual color.

AFTER

I’ll keep you posted, but for now, I’m pretty satisfied. It may even motivate me to work out a little harder so I don’t feel so self conscious in my under things in front of a 90lb twenty year old. (Don’t talk to my sister in law- she gave me the bad news that our girl wasn’t twenty at all – more like in her thirties which made me feel OH SO MUCH BETTER!)