A day in the Life of a REAL Housewife of (Insert small town here)

6am: Hubby is sneaking out of the house with all of his gun gear to go shooting. He thinks he is being quiet but I am up now wondering why he is leaving at 6am for a 9am start time. (He tells me later he thought it started at 8am- I think he was just excited to get out of the house, his penance: helping set up the whole shoot.) When I didn’t hear him start the coffee I stayed in bed and tried to fall back to sleep.

7am: Trying very hard to fall back to sleep with no success. I am designing my dream house in my head which usually does the trick)

8:10am: Just as I am beginning a good dream about soapstone counter tops, the phone rings. Because I think it might be my Mom, I jump eagerly out of bed not bothered at all. When I finally find the phone, 10 rings later, I see that it is a collection call. I am now very bothered. There goes sleeping.

10am: I have managed to watch every single show that was recorded over the week in fast forward. Drank a cup of coffee and had a bowl of cereal. No more putting it off – time to clean the house.

11am: I have managed to bribe one child into helping me by promising her new boots (that I know are on clearance and only $9) I am cursing the two other kids who are still peacefully sleeping, and the hubby who is still out having a good time. Jealousy is such an ugly look on me.

12pm: I am shaking from caffeine overload and aggravation at the stuff I have to clean on my day off of work while the people who I live with are wondering why I fly off the handle so easily. My blood boiling, I have now opened all the windows, forcing the little people running for hats and gloves. I am also immersed in switching the winter clothes with the summer clothes, leaving them defenseless against my hot flashes. Determined to find things that fit for our Spring Break trip, knowing we can’t afford a shopping spree, my daughters and I fall on the floor laughing when the 15th pair of pants come up way too short and way too tight. (This is called the hormonal stage of cleaning- lots of downs and a few ups)

1pm: I am begging everyone not to drop one single crumb of lunch on the clean floor. Asking if they really need to use the sink and wishing it was warm enough to send them all outside to eat. I want my house to be clean for at least an hour. It’s all I ask in life!

3pm: The hubby is coloring my hair. I have been a raging lunatic so now he is in angry hairdresser mode and I am threatening to go to a hair salon like normal people which would cost us at least $125.00. Does he think I enjoy having him see up close and personal every gray hair on my head?

4pm: Showered and feeling like a normal person again, excited to find pants to fit, and looking forward to picking out summer-wear. We are about to head out for a little shopping at the luxurious Target. I decide to check the bank account and then promptly put my pajama pants back on.

6pm: I have a hand-full of gold jewelry that is either broken or hasn’t been worn in years. I am certain there is enough to pay for groceries and gas for the week, plus pay the bills that are due. Taking a page from the hubby’s generosity book a week ago when he took the necklace from his neck and turned it in for $200, which paid for new shirts and spending money for our son’s school trip to D.C.

7pm: Breakfast for Dinner instead of restaurant food. A much better idea.

8pm: Playing Dominoes with the kids. Better than walking around some dumb mall carrying everyone’s bags and coats and sweating because they forgot to turn off the heat in the stores.

11pm: Thinking that no matter what the Real Housewife of a small town near you experiences life in ways the fancy housewives never could. Good, Bad or otherwise.