GUESS WHAT I SAW??

I am a lot of talk and no game kind of girl to be perfectly honest.

I know the lingo used in texts but I don’t text.

I know all the slang used by adults and teens, but am hesitate to say any of it out loud.

I know the best places to eat, where to go dancing, what bars are for what kind of group, but haven’t been out with a group of people in over a year.

I know what kind of tattoo I would get and which one my hubby should have, but I don’t have any and neither does he.

I pride myself on keeping relevant, up-to-date, and with the times. I can talk about good music, I know who sings in what band and am typically listening to Alternate Nation, Octane or Lithium on my XM. I love Metallic, Johnny Cash, Silversun pickups, Kings of Leon, Edwarde Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes- But I haven’t been to a concert outside of Dave Matthews in YEARS.

I am an old soul – when I was 8, I felt like I was in my twenties. I read books that were racier than books I care to read now. I read so many mafia tales that I thought since my family didn’t have ties, I would become a lawyer and work my way in. The closest thing to a Mafia tie I have now is General Hospital.

I can shoot a gun, my hubby has his concealed carry, I believe in those rights, but I gave him the gun he bought me back and prefer to just know how in case it ever comes up but not really pack the heat.
I know the fashion trends BEFORE the fashions become a FAD. But my closet is mostly stocked with Target clearance items.

I have been with my now hubby since I was 15 – so I was well beyond my years when it came to relationships and understanding how men work. In reality, I have like no real hand’s on experience with OTHER men.

BUT

LAST NIGHT

I SAW

NAKED MEN

NOT the ONE I normally see.

52 NAKED MEN to be exact.

Most Saturday nights are spent: At Target, Strolling through a nearby quaint town sipping coffee, blogging and doing research on the computer, sitting by the fire, watching movies, playing games with the kids.

Until last night, when I finally said I would attend Girl’s Night In for cards and cocktails.

AND

52 NAKED MEN.

So this is me when we got out our quarters and lottery scratch off tickets: Big Girl me with my black sweater, good-butt jeans, trendy clogs that make me 3” taller, and my quarters stacked like I gamble with the best of them. Me with my scratch off lottery tickets that my hubby purchased for me earlier in the day. Me, who got dropped off at the party with a kiss so I could have a drink and not have to drive. Here is the look on my face when the cards got dealt:

I got out my poker face and played with these women who are on the PTA, sing in the church choir, wear sweaters with pictures knitted on them and scrapbook!! (of which I do none of those things)

We talked about report cards, a new church baptism, what chocolate is best for melting, why the PTA has issues all while holding NAKED MEN in our hands!!

I love when completely contradictory things happen. Last night was a perfect storm of just that.

Big Girl, all talk and no game me, playing with Naked Men. (and I did not take them into the bathroom to get a GOOD look like I wanted to either) I just played my cards, lost most of my quarters and carried on.

Blushing, How are YOU?

Girl found buried in snow, dressed in all white clothes inside out and backwards

Bring it on!
This is the time of year I get excited - nope not because of the holidays.

SNOW

It's what I look forward to from the minute it hits below 60 during the day until May 1st.

Some years I am rewarded and some years are a bust.  I thought I better look into some good snow rituals so I can:

A. Really aggravate everyone around me that dislikes snow.

B. Make more of a fool of myself than I already am - May as well GO BIG

C. See if it works?

D. Once everyone in my town moves away because they hate the snow, I'll have the place ALL TO MYSELF.

If I have said it once, I've said it a thousand times - if you can't change it don't hate it.

Ritual #1: Put a Spoon Under my Mattress and Pillow
I guess the Pilgrims did this one - I don't get it, but I'll try it - I just hope it doesn't make my hubby think I am trying to get creative in the bedrooms.

Ritual #2: Wear PJ's Inside Out and Backwards
Again, a little worried the hubby might think we are playing some kind of game, but OHHH KAY - the kids should handle this one just fine since I am pretty sure they dress like this daily. (Maybe that is why last winter was such a snowy one!)

Ritual #3: Throw an ice cube behind you and down the toilet.
Great, now we have to get all athletic?

Ritual #4: Sleep with your head where your feet go.
I think I am steering clear of bedroom rituals.

Ritual #5: Throw a paper cup out the window
So that explains some of the yards I drive by.... I might have to take back my sneers and EMBRACE the snow lovers they are!

It's not working

Ritual #6:  Put a dollar and a picture of Mary under your pillow - if it snows put the dollar in a poor box.
I'm sure they will love my dollar.  I wonder if my Aunt Mary's picture would count?

Ritual  #7: Dance and Chant
Apparently I'm not the right kind of dancer - but I haven't used my moves since I went to my brother's wedding and I don't remember much about that. My friend on facebook suggests throwing in some squats and thrusts - please don't let any one walk by the windows.

Ritual #8: Hang Disco balls from your Window
At least we are keeping a theme - somehow Disco balls don't go with my snowman theme.

Ritual #9: Wear all white and eat all white food for a day
At least if I spill my food it won't show.

Ritual #10: Yell "Snow Day" into the freezer
This one I can do just fine, it's where I like to do all my best yelling anyway.

Having fun with my rituals, how are you?

My Take on the Yahoo article:10 Shocking Secrets of the First Year of Marriage

Their Version: by: Brides Magazine

My Version: by Kristen- married for 14 ½ yrs. Together for 23 yrs.

*(I could not get through all 10 it was starting to really get on my nerves- you know how I feel about these kind of "Articles".)

1. Them: THE SHOCK: You'll gain a little love weight.


Me: You will know the true meaning of the terms: love handles, thunder thighs, more than a mouthful, junk in the trunk, voluptuous, and muffin top.

WHAT'S A COUPLE TO DO?

They said:. Spanx has its limits.

I Say: NICE. Yes, Spanx have their limits but I wouldn’t know, I have never donned a pair of Spanx and neither has my husband. I’d say some weight gain is a sign of a healthy and happy marriage – I mean who wants to walk around eating sticks all day for fear your husband won’t love you no matter how you look. Be Healthy. If you have trouble taking a walk or “lasting” when it counts, then it might be time for some exercise and more than the kind in bed. Exercising together?? NO thank You! I prefer to do that in private or with people that don’t see me without my clothes on.

2. THEM: THE SHOCK: Your B-list buds will go MIA.

Me: We’re not in Hollywood anymore Dorothy, get a new set of friends when the old ones move on.

WHAT'S A COUPLE TO DO?

They said: Your friends are jealous, they don’t like your hubby’s controlling manner, don’t worry your true friends won’t leave you if you make all the effort to keep them around.

I Say: Face it. You are married and therefore no longer fun with the single folks. Get some new friends. Eventually you will all catch back up on Facebook and play nice again. Your new BEST friend is your spouse.

3. Them: THE SHOCK: Your sex life will be off the charts—sometimes.

Me: You’ll have more regular sex and sometimes you’ll pinch the baby so she cries and you can skip it that night.

They said: After the honeymoon you would rather do laundry or watch Project Runway than have sex and it might be a whole week in between.

I say: First of all, I would rather have sex than have to ever do the laundry OR watch Project Runway and that is because I detest both of those things. If he throws in cleaning the toilets for me the rest of our life there will be special perks included. Secondly – a week in between? Clearly they are in LA LA Land. It very well could be a month in between – especially during the six years of pregnancy.

WHAT'S A COUPLE TO DO?

Them: Nothing. They quote "studies" (because we all know how truthful those are) and they offer advice from a MAN who wrote a book titled: The Secrets of Happily Married Women: GO FIGURE!

Me: Do SOMETHING- don’t just lay there expecting all your dreams to come true from the man who has to watch you push out a bowling ball, has to put up with your demonic behavior monthly, holds your hair back when you are sick but is OK when you run screaming from the room when he is sick. My book title: The Secrets of a Happily Married Woman by a Woman -SHARED.

4. Them: THE SHOCK: You won't unpack your china for six months.

Me: You don’t ask for or get China – you will need all the cash you can get and you would only use the China Once in all your married years and it might be thrown rather than eaten off of.

They Say: Girls fantasize about kitchen shelves full of gleaming new china and stemware organized by color, pattern, and size. Married woman's reality: stacks of unpacked boxes in every corner.

I say: Just because we get married does not make us suddenly lazy or stupid, but thanks for the compliment. Newly married? You should have MORE time with double the hands. But why bother with China – we haven’t eaten on a REAL plate in 13 years at home- kids tend to break things like that. Get me some decorative plastic from Target – it never breaks and I can have some for every season.

WHAT'S A COUPLE TO DO?

Them: Everyday things—working late, paying bills, taking the dog to the vet—will get in the way of setting up that idyllic space. Try this as a compromise: Open one box each week until you've achieved that sublime kitchen display. And then use the stuff!

Me: REALITY CHECK- if you are not already living together and all set up at home, then the people you have been living with who pretend you two weren’t having sex will help you set the house up. What does that have to do with eating off China?

5. Them: THE SHOCK: You'll do the dishes; your husband will fix stuff.

Me: Is it really a shocker that you married a MAN? PS- they can do dishes, and you BIG GIRL YOU, can fix stuff too!

They say: Summed up – the person that wrote this is a chauvinistic pig and it was a woman.

I say: If you dislike cooking, all you have to do is screw up something simple. Mine was the Macaroni and Cheese – not even homemade kind, the noodles were too crunchy the first time, the 2nd time too soft. Hubby has never let me cook since. He likes to eat.

WHAT'S A COUPLE TO DO?

Them: They think you are going to sit down with a poster board and marker and make a chore chart together. Afterwards you will have timed romantic sex. Again, citing “studies” say everyone will be happier.

Me: You can beg, plead, ask, demand all you want, but honey, all you really have to do is make him feel good in the bedroom and there is no negotiating. PERIOD.


6. Them: THE SHOCK: Even though you'll have two paychecks, you'll still feel broke.

Me: If you go in broke on your own, with someone who is broke on HIS own you will still be broke. If you go in broke and he is not, you will now be broke. If you go in rich and he is rich, you’ll be rich. It’s called economics, but hey, women have no clue what that is, right girls??

They say: More degrading remarks on how stupid women are who do nothing but spend money shopping.

I say: It’s 2010. It doesn’t matter who, or how many of you bring in the money. Just bring it the best you can.

WHAT'S A COUPLE TO DO?

Them: You can retire on objects and friendships. SERIOUSLY that is what they said!

Me: Have a fun life together and the most fun I have ever had while stressful, is when we were at our most broke. Camping in a tent, road trips with the kids, eating beans and rice while laughing and playing cards. This is called Making Memories.


9. Them: THE SHOCK: Being a wife won't mean you'll instantly have skills worthy of an Iron Chef.

Me: When I grow up I want to be a married lady who cooks for her husband all day- has NEVER been said by a young girl. (Except maybe this Author)


 I loved to the right of this article is an advertisement for TLC’s LA INK show, because when your hubby cheats and then dates the star of a tattoo shop that MIGHT be a shock! ;)

A Remorseful, Potato Loving Flake with Mad Fundraising Skills.

Somebody told me today that I was very kind and had the ability to see the good in people. It was a nice compliment, but I am afraid this hasn’t always been true. I think about my high school self and I don’t feel like I spent enough time getting to know people outside of my circle of friends and then to make matters worse I did a horrible job of keeping in touch with people that were my friends once we left school. I can name SEVERAL people that I know of now, that have gone on to join the military and then fought for me, my freedom and OUR country. I should be kissing the ground that these people walk on. I hope that every single one them knows that I do appreciate the sacrifices they have made in their lives for me. To think that I could have really gotten to know them better when I had the chance makes me sad that it has taken me this long to appreciate them.

How many potatoes do you think it will take to make mashed potatoes for 33 people? And when is it appropriate to add the E at the end of the word potato?

Every morning I drive my son and his two friends to school, and today as I watched them walk away from the car toward the school I thought that this was an image I will never get sick of looking at. They look like mini-men walking into that school, their backpacks bursting with books and papers, carrying IPods, turning off their cell phones and pocketing them. I catch myself waiting a little too long in the parking lot just watching.

My dryer is currently in the last stage of life. I will be calling hospice in soon I am sure. As I sit here and type, with the hubby on my left listening to some talk news station in his ear bud, while browsing the news sites (BORING) I am clicking and tapping out the dryer tune. I wish I could record it and play it for you – it kind of sounds like an immature drummer practicing or like the sound of my neighbor and her boyfriend in the bedroom that I could hear through the closet when we lived in an apartment. (funny thing about that story is, immediately after THAT noise you could then hear them playing Super Mario – so romantic!)

Remember this post? Well, I felt like a complete FLAKE when HE called to wish ME a happy birthday yesterday.

I really despise product sales-based fundraisers. But I understand the value in them in some cases. I just have always believed holding events or asking for donations is a better way to get money directly into the hands of who needs it rather than having to sell (quite frankly, ) JUNK we do not need. But REALLY in this economy can we not just have a moratorium on fundraisers? And if not than not until AFTER January? Between school starting and the holidays we are all lucky to make ends meet let alone having to buy crud we do not want or need. I say this because I feel I need to justify why we did not attempt to sell magazines (which is like selling the poor suckers a life time of headaches) or candy (OH YEAH! CANDY sales, OH Yeah -JS watchers will understand) for Brownies. I would rather write a check to our troop than asking people to fork over money so my daughter can win a BANDANA! (Note to self: Future Post about the time I volunteered to cover Family Fun Night and hosted Donkey Basketball where the beloved gym teacher got bucked and seriously injured his back while I was distracting the people from PETA who were recording the poor abused Donkeys (who were more pampered than most women ever are) )

Last of the list of deep thoughts is that I have such a craving to take a day off of work and lay in my bed of flannel sheets and READ – I haven’t had any time to read lately and it has always been a strong addiction for me. I just want to curl up and disappear from the world for one day. I think we all need a day like that from time to time…

Have a few deep thoughts on me! How are YOU?

I'll cry if I want to -

Happy Birthday to Me!

I woke up with a headache and a new pimple (couldn't have been from too much Halloween candy) Thanks Body - paybacks are HELL in the gym tonight!

My co-worker who is known for making me laugh until I cry baked me home-made (as if there is another kind that you bake) from SCRATCH chocolate chip cookies and I almost DID cry.

My hubby, brother and family gave me jewelery (they know me so well)

My hubby bought me a cake and listened when I begged him not to take my picture with it.

My kids and nephew made me HOME MADE Birthday Cards (the best kind of card EVER - I always look so much skinnier in them)

We had lunch brought in at work and best of all, they had Cheetos for me in little bags (YUM)

My facebook page was FILLED with Birthday greetings (I had no idea that many people cared! - I know, they do it for everyone whose Birthday it is b/c there is a nice reminder on the right side - I GET IT, but still, it made me feel special and you will not RAIN on my Parade!)

My Mom and Dad sent me money - I bought a little Christmas tree for my office with it.

There were a ton of people at the town hall when I got there to vote and they were smiling at ME.

Shhhhhh -the dryer is working and it is only slightly whining - it is a TRUE BIRTHDAY MIRACLE!

and then - WAIT FOR IT.........

I got on to write a post and I discovered - WAIT......

This is my 101st post!

and I didn't even know it .

NICE.

Now if only Blogger would make me Blog of Note, I would hit 100 followers, we had a snowstorm and work was cancelled tomorrow, my fairy godmother paid a visit and cleaned my house while I sleep tonight -

My Birthday WOULD BE COMPLETE.

The last time I let the hubby take my picture with a cake!

Happy to have a birthday, How are you?

Colassal Time Wasting

Do you ever think about the things you waste time doing (Let me preface this by clarifying the YOU in this post is YOU and in no way includes ME) – if you do, you are wasting even more time thinking about them. I’m not talking about things you need to do, or have to do to get from point A to B. I am talking about:

Can you IMAGINE??

Shoe Organizing:
Stop organizing the shoes in the garage by the back door. Every day, two times, sometimes more (anytime YOU walk in and out of that door) you put them all back in order from the LAZY people darling children and amazing hubby, who kick them off right by the door. Can’t they see the shoe rack? Do they not wait in the car for YOU when about to go somewhere and watch while YOU are bent over organizing shoes? Do they not think when they kick off their shoes and leave them wherever they land , it might BOTHER YOU? It is a complete waste of time because those damn shoes just keep scattering themselves around the minute you turn your back.

Packing for a month for a weekend getaway:

Spending hours picking out outfits, setting aside things you MIGHT need in case of – well you know, accidents, becoming stranded for days on end, national disasters, you know. Sure it would be REALLY nice to just toss some clothes in a bag and say – “Here you go”, but then when one of those things does happen who are they going to thank and think is the most amazing person ever?? (I know, NOT gonna ever happen.) Not to mention having to put all those CLEAN, never worn clothes that now smell like a hotel or a wet sock, away.

Recovering from a Hangover:

Need I say more? You know it’s going to happen but you say, No, I’ll be fine…. Next day, you spend on the couch, eating greasy food (ruining the hard work you did in the gym) to soak up the alcohol, watching movies and TV shows you’ve seen ten times before. Colossal day waster.

Reading and then Talking about:


Celebrities. You know those sites: OMG, E!Online, Perez.com, and the magazines – Star, People, US (is it us as in you and me or US as in Unbelievable Shit) But yet, you spend time looking at them and then even better you spend time talking arguing about the people on these sites as IF YOU KNOW THEM PERSONALLY. (and no, I do not have an opinion on the state of Sandra and Jessie’s relationship.)

Watching Commercials:

I personally haven’t seen a commercial in slower than fast forward in a long time. The ultimate DVR would be the one that only records commercials telling me about a season or series premiere. (Not that I watch a lot of time wasting TV or anything)

Watching TV as though running a marathon:

One time we went to my brother’s house for Thanksgiving weekend. We got snowed in. That is my excuse for spending an entire day watching marathon episodes of Ghost Hunters. Then for the next two days we swore we heard and saw ghosts wherever we went. Ok, getting snowed-in might be the ONE TIME it is OK to watch more than 5 hours of TV in one sitting. (Don’t ask me about the time my hubby AND I watched every episode of 16 and pregnant for absolutely NO reason at all.)

Entering Sweepstakes:

Come on, you know who you are and tell me, REALLY how many things have you won with no strings attached? Huh? (Well, once I did get a chef jacket and a coupon – the kids use the jacket as a dress up karate outfit) Admittedly after reading the book and watching the movie The Prize Winner of Defiance Ohio, I did spend some valuable time entering contests and sweepstakes, but then I started Blogging and you know what happens with that!

Facebook:

I like Facebook. But when you spend time looking at your friend’s friends pictures, well then you might be wasting time.

Playing Computer Games:

Again, I like games as much as anyone. But those sneaky FREE games found on Facebook especially, are really good at reeling you right in and sucking the hours from your day. (from what I hear)

Now really, WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS?

Raking Leaves in the month of September and most of October:

Come on – you do know what’s going to happen, right? Are you doing this to avoid some other pressing work, or just trying to keep the kids out of your hair? You know you don’t HAVE to do them until snow is going to fall or the ground freezes, right? (And yes, it does look pretty the two hours your grass is really greener than the other side)

Clearly, I never waste time, How do you waste yours?

The Big Wicked Online Pageant

I apologize about two posts today - I promise to take tomorrow off.  Beckeye at The Pop Eye is hosting an  online Halloween pageant and I think I have just the thing!

Check her blog out and hurry to enter!:  The Pop Eye Blog

If you read my blog, you have seen this picture before. I am the one IN GREEN. Not the cute witch or ballerina -THE ONE IN GREEN.  My Mom worked and my brothers had outgrown this stuff, so I see her point when she said it was easy, and THERE WERE RELECTORS on it so I couldn't be missed in the dark (Like that was going to happen) and it came with face paint! (at least it covered my Dorothy Hamil haircut) Happy Halloween!