Thursday, December 9, 2010

Birds Gone Wild

Dear True Love – (Your letter 7 of 12)


YOU HAVE A BIRD FETISH. You need help. I believe that Dr. Drew could recommend someone. Better yet call Dr. Laura, I bet she would give you an earful.

IF I GET 8 OSTRICHES I AM GOING TO HUNT YOU DOWN WITH THE SHOTGUN THAT CAN NOW BE HEARD THROUGHOUT THE NEIGHBORHOOD and it’s not scaring the birds away anymore it is being AIMED AT them.

The new Christmas meat in my small snowy town is now Bird-of some-sort!

Swans are meaner than egg-laying geese and sexually frustrated hens combined, and especially when they have no water to swim in. I now have to wrangle these nasty creatures into the car to get them to water. Either that or tie some morsel to my belt and run like a mad woman to the pond down the street. Except that they will only allow one per pond so I hear, so I am forced to find 7 total watering spots. I’ll be like Santa, in a sleigh, pulled by my son’s three-wheeler stealthily dropping swans off in people’s ponds.



I detest you! My neighbors detest me, my Turkish courier man hates me and you. He made me pay him again for the delivery and the damage to his car interior and refused to get his friends together to help me get revenge on you. He didn’t even talk to me when he managed to drop the box off on my door step. He just held out his hand and pointed at his car. To be honest, I have developed a bit of a crush on him. I mean ANYTHING is better than the likes of YOU.

Was this your goal? To isolate me from everyone so I am stuck with only you and a bunch of bird-children?? Were you an ugly duckling as a child? What is the meaning of these swans? I know I am beautiful, but I do not want to be compared to these swans. These swans are just nasty and mean. If you HAD to send me birds, I’d have gladly taken a parrot, two Macaws, three hummingbirds, four Flamingo’s – at least that would be interesting!! But THIS is OUT of CONTROL. There is no explanation that you could give that would make me understand.

No longer Yours, Never Should have been, Will NEVER make THAT mistake AGAIN -

-K

PS- Seven is a lucky number, couldn’t you have sent me 7 lottery tickets or 7 fuzzy dice to hang from my rearview mirror, how about 7 pennies?? ANYTHING other than another lousy bird group!!

4 comments:

Teresa - in the Middle Side of Life said...

thank you for putting so much humor into my day. i look forward to reading your posts.

Kate said...

Ahhh, now you're the neighborhood bird lady! Give in...you know eventually you'll be out there, sitting on a bench with your day-old bread and stale popcorn, surrounded by your feathered friends...

Kimmie said...

Swans are nasty buggers. We have THOSE at the golf course, too.

THEY must have "12 days of Christmas" issues. LOL

Marla said...

Hmmm.....seven fuzzy dice. I like it!