Dear True Love –
I’ll be writing to you from time to time this month, you should receive 12 letters in all from me to be exact, so pay attention. In light of the gifts you have given to me, I would like to update you on how those gifts have affected my life. Since you are no longer my true love, these letters may help you make better decisions in your future love life as far as gift giving goes.
The first day I received a pear tree with a Partridge tied into it. It was nice that you found a shipping company that was kind enough to deliver the tree in a pot and leave it at my front door so the pheasant looking thing didn’t suffocate. But just so you know, for one, I can’t stand pears and even if I could eat them, there was some bird do-do on them because of course the poor Partridge was a little traumatized from being tied into the tree. He doesn’t like pears either. He only eats seeds, I have discovered.
Pears aren’t really the kind of gift you want to be giving to a woman anyway. We do not like anything pear shaped and I certainly hope you were not referring to my figure when you sent me the pear tree. I have donated the tree to a lady down the street who likes pears. She kind of does have a pear shaped body, so I guess it works for her.
As far as the bird goes, once I un-tied him from the tree he jumped out of my arms and angrily pecked at me until I dropped him to the ground. I can’t even tell if it is a HE, I just refer to all animals as HE’s but if it was a she, she didn’t produce a golden egg, just a lot of greenish goo.(Probably from being forced to eat pears on it’s trip over) The bird waddled away after ducking and bowing it’s head at me a few times. I wasn’t sure if it was telling me some kind of message from you, but if it was, it was awfully perturbed, so I guess whatever you had in mind that I was going to do with you upon receiving this gift, it didn’t approve. AT ALL. Quite frankly, I just want to throw a ripe pear at you right now, so I can’t say I blame the bird.
Anyway, I have eleven more gifts I would like to address with you, and I will. OH I WILL.
No longer Yours –