Friday, January 7, 2011

A Hard Pill to Swallow –

Before I tell you something very intimate about myself, let me get you warmed up for it. There are a lot of things that I cannot/can’t/am unable to do.

I am not completely hopeless, I CAN do a lot of things, but self deprecating posts are so much more interesting and I don’t want to BRAG or anything.

I can’t whistle. Not through my lips or teeth and the stick your fingers in your mouth kind of whistle is beyond me. There is not really anything bad about not being able to whistle as far as I can tell. I think it’s more of a guy thing anyway. If I really need to get someone’s attention, I use my voice instead. The hubby claims his partial hearing loss is from sitting next to me when I yell at the kids or one of the cats.

I can’t drive stick shift. I know HOW it’s done. I could do it if I HAD to. But there could be NO hills, and no other traffic, so no, I cannot drive stick shift.
I remember being in the back seat of the car when I was little and using the umbrella as my pretend shifter. I had it down.
The hubby tried to teach me when we were in high school and once more since then. I got us going, but it was a little jerky and I was pregnant the last time, so once I started getting nauseous we had to stop. If only I could have learned, I would have had the Jeep and HE could be driving the VAN. My secret dream would be to do the Amazing Race one day. Thankfully I am good with a map.

I can’t crack my gum. I’m thinking this is a good thing because it is probably annoying and not very classy. When I was little I remember being around women who could chew gum and crack it every time, so I just assumed it was something you could do when you got older. (oh, I hung out with a lot of annoying tacky women – I’m in so much trouble now) I really do not chew gum that often but every once in awhile when I’m alone in the car and bored I try to crack it and it just doesn’t happen.

I can’t shuffle cards in the other direction. I can shuffle them, and deal them but when it comes to making that bridge thing, well forget about it. Not happening.
 I love playing cards, but I still feel like a kid because I never know if I am holding them right, dealing the right way and using the correct terminology. I prefer to be the quiet player who wins a lot so it doesn’t really matter if I do it right or not.

I can’t do tricks. I have no hidden talents that I can pull out say, if I am with some little kids and they need entertainment real quick to distract them. About 4 years ago I did accomplish the splits, but I am afraid to try THAT again. I can’t do magic, no juggling, not even the hoola hoop. I can’t tell your fortune. I can’t whisper to any ghosts, or horses. I could never be on America’s Got Talent unless it involved wiping down surfaces with Windex. I am talent challenged.

I can’t sing. I love music, couldn’t go a day without listening to it. I sing, just not where anyone can hear me. I have this fear that someone is hiding in the back of my car, I get in, turn on the radio, and am singing at the top of my lungs and all I can hear is laughing. If that person was going to attack me, maybe they would just feel bad and slip out of the car unnoticed. I would never know, because when I do listen to music it has to be loud.
I can’t even sing Happy Birthday, I just kind of pretend sing it very softly. As a Mom this is a big deal. You are supposed to be able to sing to your kids when they are babies. I could sound somewhat human for two songs -Silent Night and that Mocking Bird one. I would sing my grocery list or tell them about my day to the melodies. Those kids went straight to sleep every time. They learned early on how to make it stop.

I can’t tie my shoes the “Right” way. I have to make the bunny ears. I have never been able to do the one loop and something chases it into the hole thing. Now that I think about it, I wonder how my kids tie their shoes. (Yes, I do live with them) But after months and months of trying to get them to learn to tie their shoes with no luck, I sent them to school and prayed they would just figure it out, and they did. I’m just not sure how they do it.

So here it is. One of the ridiculous quirks I have, that I am willing to share with you in the name of having a good laugh.

I can’t

Swallow a pill.

I’m not talking the kind that involves someone telling you how selfish, crazy or weird you are being. Not the bitter kind. I can swallow those all day long.

The kind you take for pain, discomfort, health and wellness. Yep, that kind.
Needless to say, I have a high tolerance for aches and pain (no thanks, not really interested in boasting that as my talent) and I am healthy.

Don’t blame my parents. I specifically remember standing in the kitchen for hours trying to swallow the tiniest piece of M&M, baby aspirin, even those tiny silver balls that you put onto sugar cookies. SERIOUSLY.

I can swallow. I do eat normally. Give me a pill though, and it’s not happening. No matter what. Even when I was in the hospital in serious pain to the point of shaking all over, knowing that there were Dr.’s who could save me if I choked, that pill wasn’t going down.

Over the years I have needed to take something. I can now take a pill but it goes like this:

I need to be chewing food. Bananas are my first choice. Meat of any kind is second. (Get your mind out of the gutter; I’m being serious, not dirty)

I chew, throw the pill in, chew the food, not the pill, and swallow it all. No water needed.
I’m not saying it works every time though. I have probably tossed several bottles worth of attempted to be swallowed pills in my lifetime. I have never finished an antibiotic in my life. (Don’t believe all the hype – I’m just fine and not walking around with some super infection of any kind as they say)

Bread does not work. Either does Jell-O. Trust me; I have tried to get over this.
I really do not enjoy being a talent-less freak.
So there you have it. I’m now out of the closet. I HAVE NO TALENTS, and I CAN’T SWALLOW A PILL. You can offer advice, but trust me; everyone who has told me to take an aspirin or seen me standing in the corner chewing and then swallowing and patting myself on the back afterwards, has tried - to no avail.

There are worse things, RIGHT??