Thursday, November 4, 2010

My Take on the Yahoo article:10 Shocking Secrets of the First Year of Marriage

Their Version: by: Brides Magazine

My Version: by Kristen- married for 14 ½ yrs. Together for 23 yrs.

*(I could not get through all 10 it was starting to really get on my nerves- you know how I feel about these kind of "Articles".)

1. Them: THE SHOCK: You'll gain a little love weight.

Me: You will know the true meaning of the terms: love handles, thunder thighs, more than a mouthful, junk in the trunk, voluptuous, and muffin top.


They said:. Spanx has its limits.

I Say: NICE. Yes, Spanx have their limits but I wouldn’t know, I have never donned a pair of Spanx and neither has my husband. I’d say some weight gain is a sign of a healthy and happy marriage – I mean who wants to walk around eating sticks all day for fear your husband won’t love you no matter how you look. Be Healthy. If you have trouble taking a walk or “lasting” when it counts, then it might be time for some exercise and more than the kind in bed. Exercising together?? NO thank You! I prefer to do that in private or with people that don’t see me without my clothes on.

2. THEM: THE SHOCK: Your B-list buds will go MIA.

Me: We’re not in Hollywood anymore Dorothy, get a new set of friends when the old ones move on.


They said: Your friends are jealous, they don’t like your hubby’s controlling manner, don’t worry your true friends won’t leave you if you make all the effort to keep them around.

I Say: Face it. You are married and therefore no longer fun with the single folks. Get some new friends. Eventually you will all catch back up on Facebook and play nice again. Your new BEST friend is your spouse.

3. Them: THE SHOCK: Your sex life will be off the charts—sometimes.

Me: You’ll have more regular sex and sometimes you’ll pinch the baby so she cries and you can skip it that night.

They said: After the honeymoon you would rather do laundry or watch Project Runway than have sex and it might be a whole week in between.

I say: First of all, I would rather have sex than have to ever do the laundry OR watch Project Runway and that is because I detest both of those things. If he throws in cleaning the toilets for me the rest of our life there will be special perks included. Secondly – a week in between? Clearly they are in LA LA Land. It very well could be a month in between – especially during the six years of pregnancy.


Them: Nothing. They quote "studies" (because we all know how truthful those are) and they offer advice from a MAN who wrote a book titled: The Secrets of Happily Married Women: GO FIGURE!

Me: Do SOMETHING- don’t just lay there expecting all your dreams to come true from the man who has to watch you push out a bowling ball, has to put up with your demonic behavior monthly, holds your hair back when you are sick but is OK when you run screaming from the room when he is sick. My book title: The Secrets of a Happily Married Woman by a Woman -SHARED.

4. Them: THE SHOCK: You won't unpack your china for six months.

Me: You don’t ask for or get China – you will need all the cash you can get and you would only use the China Once in all your married years and it might be thrown rather than eaten off of.

They Say: Girls fantasize about kitchen shelves full of gleaming new china and stemware organized by color, pattern, and size. Married woman's reality: stacks of unpacked boxes in every corner.

I say: Just because we get married does not make us suddenly lazy or stupid, but thanks for the compliment. Newly married? You should have MORE time with double the hands. But why bother with China – we haven’t eaten on a REAL plate in 13 years at home- kids tend to break things like that. Get me some decorative plastic from Target – it never breaks and I can have some for every season.


Them: Everyday things—working late, paying bills, taking the dog to the vet—will get in the way of setting up that idyllic space. Try this as a compromise: Open one box each week until you've achieved that sublime kitchen display. And then use the stuff!

Me: REALITY CHECK- if you are not already living together and all set up at home, then the people you have been living with who pretend you two weren’t having sex will help you set the house up. What does that have to do with eating off China?

5. Them: THE SHOCK: You'll do the dishes; your husband will fix stuff.

Me: Is it really a shocker that you married a MAN? PS- they can do dishes, and you BIG GIRL YOU, can fix stuff too!

They say: Summed up – the person that wrote this is a chauvinistic pig and it was a woman.

I say: If you dislike cooking, all you have to do is screw up something simple. Mine was the Macaroni and Cheese – not even homemade kind, the noodles were too crunchy the first time, the 2nd time too soft. Hubby has never let me cook since. He likes to eat.


Them: They think you are going to sit down with a poster board and marker and make a chore chart together. Afterwards you will have timed romantic sex. Again, citing “studies” say everyone will be happier.

Me: You can beg, plead, ask, demand all you want, but honey, all you really have to do is make him feel good in the bedroom and there is no negotiating. PERIOD.

6. Them: THE SHOCK: Even though you'll have two paychecks, you'll still feel broke.

Me: If you go in broke on your own, with someone who is broke on HIS own you will still be broke. If you go in broke and he is not, you will now be broke. If you go in rich and he is rich, you’ll be rich. It’s called economics, but hey, women have no clue what that is, right girls??

They say: More degrading remarks on how stupid women are who do nothing but spend money shopping.

I say: It’s 2010. It doesn’t matter who, or how many of you bring in the money. Just bring it the best you can.


Them: You can retire on objects and friendships. SERIOUSLY that is what they said!

Me: Have a fun life together and the most fun I have ever had while stressful, is when we were at our most broke. Camping in a tent, road trips with the kids, eating beans and rice while laughing and playing cards. This is called Making Memories.

9. Them: THE SHOCK: Being a wife won't mean you'll instantly have skills worthy of an Iron Chef.

Me: When I grow up I want to be a married lady who cooks for her husband all day- has NEVER been said by a young girl. (Except maybe this Author)

 I loved to the right of this article is an advertisement for TLC’s LA INK show, because when your hubby cheats and then dates the star of a tattoo shop that MIGHT be a shock! ;)


Teresa - in the Middle Side of Life said...

I love your version much better than the articles. I could tell some stories, too - oh wait, I have . Marriage is a whole lot of things but I don't think I envisioned THEIR version of what it is.

Nope, I'll take my version - the lived one, thank you very much.

FreeFlying said...

Your article beats the pants off of theirs!

Kate said... would be a MUCH better advice columnist than that one! True...and entertaining. LOL. And I'm so with you on #5. It's amazing how much happier my husband is when it's happening in the bedroom. And the happier he is, the less he minds me going out and doing the things I want to do. Yeah, sometimes it sucks to be up later when I'm supposed to be up at 4:45, but it also makes it easier to go to bed at 9:00 the next night and leave him to get the kids to bed, laundry done, and dishes finished. :)

And on the same note as #6...if you wait til things are "set" to have fun together, it may never happen. In the past couple of years, several teachers have retired only to die or to lose their husbands in the next year. If they'd waited until they were retired to make memories together, they'd have really missed out.

bec. said...

I'm so glad you wrote this. I read that Yahoo! article too and thought, one: has this girl ever been married? and two: in what realm does she live (certainly an alternate reality, right?)?
Thanks for keepin' it real!

Cheeseboy said...

Very interesting. All of these things happened to my wife and I except maybe the china, which neither of us had.

Sam said...

Oh God what a giant load of horse sh*t! Um hi-real live woman making her way through her first year of marriage and um guess what-hubby cooks I can't-but I bake-he is good at fixing things-we already lived together when we got married-I have never had a 'dream' kitchen in mind I don't have any china. Ridiculous. I've had no such shocks or shocks of any kind since we got married b/c we already knew and lived with eachother. We are both broke both do housework and both happy. That has got to be the most RETARDED thing I have ever read. Good for you tearing it up like that!

Marla said...

Oh my goodness, you need to write for a magazine. Nothing better than reading the true dirt on a subject. Well done, my dear!