Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Conversations with Inanimate Objects Day
Pimple : REALLY? You are never going to leave are you, and by the way, don’t you think I am a little old for you? I’m not YOUR Cougar, I do not want to be anyone’s cougar let alone yours. I was good last week – no potato chips, not a lot of chocolate, WHAT is the deal? GO AWAY. I have stuff that says it will take care of the likes of you and I WILL use it! You are not welcome on my face.
Seatbelt: I KNOW!!!! I am getting to it!! Give me a minute to adjust here. For Crying out loud we are still on the driveway!
Work Potluck Sign Up Sheet: Listen signup sheet, I am not a fan of what you represent. Not because I don’t like food and not because I can’t eat food other people make (like the hubby who has never and will never eat from a potluck in his life) but, because I don’t cook. I will now have to spend more money than necessary on buying something for you, work potluck. And look at yourself right now – you need help with your list so far of: punch, donuts, tortilla chips, some dips, dirt and worms? I see someone has written down POP. (We have a POP machine here!) I should just put: condiments or how about paper products – every work potluck has to have one of THOSE people – what makes you think you’re any different? Now I will have to add to the sticky note on the back of my phone: work potluck dish. See how you affect my life and WHY do you keep appearing on my desk? I want to fill you out last. I put you by the copier and here you are, unchanged. GO AWAY, I do not want to see you until you have some decent offerings, then and only then will I determine what to bring for you.
Towel Dispenser at Work: You bite me again, I’m gonna ask that you be replaced, so play nice.
Clothes Dryer: I love you, I trust you, I know you can keep on going, because buddy, I NEED you. I can’t afford to replace you right now and I know you are on your last leg, but can you just hang on until spring?? Pretty Please?? While you are at it can you be a little quieter in your slow death? The incessant barking noise you have been making in the last several months is impeding on my life – my Mom thought we had gotten a dog when she last called!
Treadmill Machine: Listen, it’s that time of year where we have to just put up with each other. I will promise not to abuse you if you promise to make the inclines a little easier on me. And can you PLEASE do something about the fat calories flashing in my face – maybe make it look like I am actually burning some? I am so good to you. I don’t even wear my shoes on you because I don’t wear shoes in my house and I just can’t make myself wear shoes on even you. Let’s get along and play nice and could you tone it down a little so I can at least hear the TV? By the way, you are NO rowing machine let me tell you, too bad I can’t trade you in for one.
Blog: Come on baby, how many followers you got for me today? What? That’s the same number as yesterday and the day before that!! I feed you EVERY day, my kids and hubby are ready to drop you, but no, I keep on giving! What is your deal??
I’m so much bolder with inanimate objects than I am with people. Go figure. How are you and your inanimate objects today?