Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Conversations with Inanimate Objects Day

Alarm clock: WHAT????? Could you PLEASE just give me 10 more minutes???? Do I really have to stick my hand out of the warm covers to pat you in order for you to give me 10 more minutes?? I CAN HEAR YOU!! I don’t throw you across the room, EVER. I keep you on the dresser all week long and only hide you on the weekends under the bed because let’s face, you are not as attractive as the vintage alarm clock on my nightstand that I would not trust to wake me up but is simply good eye candy. COME ON!!! I said, I HEAR YOU!!!!

Pimple : REALLY? You are never going to leave are you, and by the way, don’t you think I am a little old for you?  I’m not YOUR Cougar, I do not want to be anyone’s cougar let alone yours. I was good last week – no potato chips, not a lot of chocolate, WHAT is the deal? GO AWAY. I have stuff that says it will take care of the likes of you and I WILL use it! You are not welcome on my face.

Seatbelt: I KNOW!!!! I am getting to it!! Give me a minute to adjust here. For Crying out loud we are still on the driveway!

Work Potluck Sign Up Sheet: Listen signup sheet, I am not a fan of what you represent. Not because I don’t like food and not because I can’t eat food other people make (like the hubby who has never and will never eat from a potluck in his life) but, because I don’t cook. I will now have to spend more money than necessary on buying something for you, work potluck. And look at yourself right now – you need help with your list so far of: punch, donuts, tortilla chips, some dips, dirt and worms? I see someone has written down POP. (We have a POP machine here!) I should just put: condiments or how about paper products – every work potluck has to have one of THOSE people – what makes you think you’re any different? Now I will have to add to the sticky note on the back of my phone: work potluck dish. See how you affect my life and WHY do you keep appearing on my desk? I want to fill you out last. I put you by the copier and here you are, unchanged. GO AWAY, I do not want to see you until you have some decent offerings, then and only then will I determine what to bring for you.

Towel Dispenser at Work: You bite me again, I’m gonna ask that you be replaced, so play nice.

Clothes Dryer: I love you, I trust you, I know you can keep on going, because buddy, I NEED you. I can’t afford to replace you right now and I know you are on your last leg, but can you just hang on until spring?? Pretty Please?? While you are at it can you be a little quieter in your slow death? The incessant barking noise you have been making in the last several months is impeding on my life – my Mom thought we had gotten a dog when she last called!

Treadmill Machine: Listen, it’s that time of year where we have to just put up with each other. I will promise not to abuse you if you promise to make the inclines a little easier on me. And can you PLEASE do something about the fat calories flashing in my face – maybe make it look like I am actually burning some? I am so good to you. I don’t even wear my shoes on you because I don’t wear shoes in my house and I just can’t make myself wear shoes on even you. Let’s get along and play nice and could you tone it down a little so I can at least hear the TV? By the way, you are NO rowing machine let me tell you, too bad I can’t trade you in for one.

Blog: Come on baby, how many followers you got for me today? What? That’s the same number as yesterday and the day before that!! I feed you EVERY day, my kids and hubby are ready to drop you, but no, I keep on giving! What is your deal??

I’m so much bolder with inanimate objects than I am with people. Go figure. How are you and your inanimate objects today?


Kimmie said...

My clothes dryer and I are having issues, too. It's started to make this squeaky mousie sort of noise. We've replaced bits of it twice and I'd really just like to say "good bye" this time.

jAYB said...

Our dryer just stopped heating and replaced the heat sensor twice from sears at $150.00 a pop, went and baught a front loader and it's the best , i even watch it threw the glass back and forth back and forth, wow.

Kate said...

Me to the treadmill would be like..."Please don't hurt me, and I won't stay on too long." I run outside not because I love being hot or cold or chased by crazy dogs or nearly sprayed by the myriad skunks in our neighborhood, but because I am severely treadmill impaired.

And my blog has been very unforthcoming with me lately as well. Maybe I should give it a good talking to as well.

Doria said...

Cursed my phone and almost threw it across the office again! Damn you Motorola!

Teresa - in the Middle Side of Life said...

what? no scale talk??? i'm impressed. i talk to my scales at least twice or three times a week. i don't talk to my alarm clock because i no longer use one. just wait until you hit "the" age where you wake up at the crack of dawn whether you want to or not (i.e., weekends and days off!).

Anonymous said...

My stuff never talks back....but I only silently scold them...smiles.

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